TRANSCRIPT OF A FAKE SERMON.
Good morning, and it’s a blessing to be guest preacher at you all, brothers and sisters, this morning. I have just returned from Spain and there was a big adventure I had there. It was really good and it was spiritually dark because many people in Spain are Catholics and atheists, because the devil was hovering over the hearts of the children of God but God gave me the words to minister and be light and salt to them. And today I’m going to be light and salt to you. We’re also going to flex our Spanish muscles and have fun! Espanol divertido.
Now. Look at this photograph!
(Put up photograph of street.)
Can anyone tell me what’s it of?
(Wait till someone says “street.”)
It’s a city street, right?
Right.
(Pause.)
Wrong!
It’s THE WAY. It’s THE CAMINO. El Camino means “THE WAY” in Spanish. It’s not a kind of car only.
(Pause for laughter.)
Now, looking at this photo, you’d never know it was the camino, would you? It just looks like any city street in any old place. That’s what’s so special about the camino. Some parts of it look like a pathway to heaven, and there’s trees and things on either side and a big blue sky, and the clouds are being blanketed over the land like a quilt. And the camino, the WAY, is the only game in town so it’s really easy to follow it and not confusing.
The camino it starts in France and goes all the way across Spain, practically. It goes to Santiago de Compostela, which means Saint James Compostela, and a compostela is the title of the certificate you get at the end of walking the whole camino, so that’s why it’s named like that. And at the end of this camino, along with the certificate, there is another thing. It’s the BODY of the disciple James, and Catholics call him Saint James, but I’m going to stick to what Jesus called him and that’s James Son of Thunder. But I’ll say James because it’s faster. I just wanted to make that clear. People don’t become saints when they die just like they don’t become angels when they die.
Now, one thing I also want to make clear is that JAMES IS NOT GOD. He was just the man who made Spain believe and repent and have a personal relationship with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. So is he important? Yes. Should we build a church about him and hug his statue like pagans or Catholics? No because that’s against the Ten Commandments and Jesus. When I walked there I didn’t hug any statue or even get that emotional there. The Lord sent me to minister and proclaim the Gospel to everyone who didn’t come there to minister and proclaim the Gospel so that’s what I was doing.
Anyway, I’m almost done. Just thirty more minutes.
(Pause for laughter.)
Anyway, let’s go back to the picture I showed you. Remember how sometimes I already told you the camino is easy to follow and you know where to go. And other times it’s like this city street, where you wouldn’t know it was the way to go unless you had a…
(Wait for someone to say “directions” or “map.”)
Exactly, we need to be told where to go. Now on the camino you know how to get to Santiago because there are signs. There are yellow arrows–in Spanish we call them armarillas flechas–and shells to point you in the right way. Let’s look at some examples.
(Do slideshow–100 photos–none of me in leggings.)
Pretty cool, huh? We all like to have fun, even me! But you know, the camino isn’t all fun and games.
(Get chair and spin it around. Straddle it.)
Sometimes, when you’re walking, I saw arrows that were not telling the truth. I used my spiritual gift of discernment to discern that they were false arrows. Even on the camino sometimes there are people leading you stray. And you got to be careful, you got to be on your guard, because if you follow the wrong arrows you’re going to go down a path you do not want to be on. And at first you might not think it’s a big deal but if you keep following those fake arrows you will never get to the end of the road. You’ll never get the compostela–remember that’s Spanish for “certificate”– that tells you “well done good and faithful servant.”
(Put chair away.)
Now on the camino these false arrows just lead you down the wrong street to a place that serves coffee or maybe to a hostel. But come on, think about the WAY each of us are on in life, our journey through life.
(Get chair and spin it around backwards. Straddle it.)
In life, there are lots of voices telling you to go every which way. Lots of arrows pointing you down the wrong path. Lots of places you can let lost in the busy city streets of life. And if you follow those false arrows, you are going to go stray.
I’m talking about secular music maybe. I’m talking about yoga pants. I’m talking about sins like groping cigarettes and murder. Sure, you may think it’s no big deal, but if you keep it up it’s going to be a big deal.
Who brought their Bibles today? Show of hands.
(Put chair away.)
In the Bible, Jesus tells us in the book of Proverbs to keep an eye out for Satan, who prowls about like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. He’s placing those FALSE ARROWS at every turn to literally turn you stray. RESIST HIM. STAND FIRM.
Jesus says “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Light. I am the True Arrow.” Keep your eyes on the Founder and Perfecter of our faith, Jesus, kids. Follow the true arrows because on the camino they will lead you to James Son of Thunder and the remains of his earthly body which hold no significance to us since we are of the Spirit, and to the compostela, which I have with me here.
(Show them my Compostela. Do flourishes.)
And in life they will lead you to heaven and to God patting you on the back and saying “well done good and faithful servant.”
You can’t see the way sometimes maybe. Maybe you’re in a city street where things aren’t looking great, where you don’t feel like you’re coming into the Kingdom of God. But keep your eyes sharp, keep looking for the true arrows and don’t get fooled by the false ones. How can you tell the difference? Reading your Bible. Going to church on Wednesdays.
I’m going to invite the worship team up now so an atmosphere of worship will be created.
(Get chair back. Straddle it.)
Beloved children, brothers and sisters, if you have followed false arrows and/or shells and have been led stray, raise your hands.
Go ahead, raise them, I’ll wait. No one is watching but me and God.
Jesus is the only way to Santiago the Compostela. I didn’t get led stray because I followed the true arrows, the true shells. The arrows pierce your heart for Jesus like the cross and the shell that points you on your way, inside it is the pearl of great value which is JESUS.
I see some hands still down, remember Jesus says there’s no one righteous, not even one. If you have gone stray, if you need to repent of your wickedness, of your evilness, of your sin, raise your hand.
Think of your camino. I’m the only one who’s actually done the real camino so you just think of your life. Think of the ways you have gone off the path. Think of the temptations that have led away, whether that’s drugs or Gnosticism or maybe other things too. Think of how far you are from where God needs you to be. Think about how you’re so lost. All of you are so so lost.
Jesus is telling me there are at least thirty more wicked people in this room this morning. If you keep your hand down it’ll only make you wickeder.
(Wait till all hands are raised.)
Wow. Praise. Do you see this, *name of bearded acoustic guitarist*? Look around at each other. Now look at me. Look at me.
This is a big breakthrough. Walls are toward down. Keep your hands raised.
I feel God in this sermon I’m giving you, so let’s all give God a round of applause. Yes, AMEN. AMEN! Remember I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
As we say on the camino, Buen Camino! That means THIS IS THE CAMINO. And for your purposes it means the only WAY is NOT SATAN’S.
Chelsea the Writer 